Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Don't read this post until after you've seen the movie. Unless you don't mind the movie being spoiled for you. 

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If you've ever spent much time with me, you know that I love hamburgers. Especially ones that are grilled out on someone's back porch or maybe their deck. I love'em. I like to slightly toast the bun. I love just enough Mayo, pickels, onions, tomatoes, and even lettuce. You can keep the mustard, but that doesn't matter. I love hamburgers. I always have, ever since I was a little kid when my dad would make them out in our back yard. Hamburgers are the perfect summer meal.

I also love Indiana Jones. However, while watching this movie I felt like they were trying to force feed me gobs and gobs of absurd  portions of what they think makes Indy great. 

Picture me sitting in a room with George Lucas and Steven Speilburg, I begin to explain to them my love for hamburgers. They sit there and take great notes onwhat I love about hamburgers. I tell them every last detail about how I like to prepare my burgers: how much mayo, where the pickles should go, how thick I like the meat, the kind of bun I prefer, everything. They take these notes and go away for a few years. 

On day I hear that George Lucas and Steven Speilburg are going to come to my house and make a burger for me. You can probably guess that I would be totally stoked about this. I wait patiently for that day to come.

And then the day arrives...

I get home and there they are on my back porch, with the burger. It's already made, and it's HUGE. This burger is the size of a small Volkswagen. Mayo and pickle juice are running off of it in every direction. The beef alone probably weighs 30 pounds. I look up at George Lucas and say, "Mr. Lucas, I really appreciate you making me this burger, but why did you make it so big?" And he replies, "What? I thought you loved burgers?" 

I say, "I do love burgers, but not like this one. It's too much. If I try to eat that it'll make me sick."

Then they both grab me, and strap me into a chair. Then they pry my mouth open and start shoving the burger into my mouth. The whole time saying things like, "You said you love mayo." and  "MMMMM, Isn't this burger so good?" "Don't you just love burgers?"

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That's how I felt watching this movie. Aliens? Swinging with the monkeys in the trees as fast as cars drive? 13 alien skeletons coming together to make a whole alien that burns the bad guys eyes out with KNOWLEDGE!!!????

There were defiantly moments of greatness, especially in the beginning. But it all started going down hill the moment the ATOMIC BOMB WENT OFF AND INDY SURVIVED BY GETTING INSIDE A REFRIGERATOR LINED WITH LEAD! Might I remind you the same Atomic Bomb disintegrated an entire car moments before he emerged from the slightly dented fridge. You're probably saying right now to yourself, "Oh, come on. It was fun." Kinda. But if these guys are going to write their own rules for this movie, I expect them to play by those rules. 

Get over yourself Lucas, and stop ruining everything I hold dear from my childhood. And shame on you Speilberg, you let him talk you into all that crap.

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I do have to say one more time - there were a few moments of greatness. 

My favorite line: "Stop being a baby, and find something to fight with!"